Probably among the worst days of my life

Well this week was probably one of the more depressing ones. First off it poured pretty much all week - gray, cloudy and cold. Alex left on Thursday to go back to school for a few semesters. He's hoping to come back next year as a programmer and I wish him all the luck. He was a great ATC. Ding's gonna be taking over for Alex in managing our team. I notice he's a little bit more of a hardass but not enough to warrant me hating him. I'm actually quite partial to Ding, he's a nice guy.

I finally had the meeting with Brandon Jackson - an Asian guy, which was kind of surprising but not really important I guess. More important was what he had to say about my work. Pretty much told me i wasn't good enough to land a character artist job.

Funny that's the first thing I remember because he gave me a lot of compliments where he felt they were due. But for some reason, maybe it's in my nature, but I only remember the negative. But it's a pretty big blow when you have your dreams swiped right out from under you. Getting into the character artist field, I understand it is really competitive. And I realize that I have a lot to learn especially when I've only really been doing 3D for 2 and a half years when I've been drawing my whole life. He said I had a lot of things going right in my drawing but i'm keeping too much to my safe zone, not to be afraid to do more exploration. More importantly is to do more life drawing which I admit I haven't been doing enough of.

Looking back at my character models, they clearly aren't anywhere near the quality of professional realistic models. I shouldn't feel as disappointed as I do because everything makes sense, really. I just have to hunker down and get better. Practice, practice. It's easier said than done. But I have to really want it, and I do - and I can't get discouraged. Part of the desperation is to be independent and I guess i'm trying to get better for the wrong reasons as a result. But I feel i can do this. I look at the professional models and it's like ... I FEEL i can do it. But for some reason the work I pump out isn't reflecting that.

I have to prove it to myself first before I can hope to convince other people of what i can do. Maybe that's what's stopping me. there's alot to consider as to the reason of my short comings. Or maybe, I shouldn't even bother thinking about it. Just keep doing it and it will come to me naturally. After all that's what I've been doing my whole life, right?

Hmm ... i think i'm onto something here. That kind of reflects what Jackson was saying to me earlier about drawing. Just draw. Kind of like modeling, texturing and everything else I love doing. Don't think, just do. That's advice i can follow. I mean as it is, he says he sees potential. I may not see it myself, but the fact that someone that accomplished sees it, I can have faith in what they say. Believe in myself - at the risk of making this entry sound incredibly corny.

Sure I can do it now. But I can do it tomorrow. And if not that, then the day after that. It's like quitting smoking. I'll do it tomorrow, or the day after that, and if not, then the day after that. There's no reason I can't apply that to my artwork as well. YEAH.

Suddenly I'm starting to feel better. Not today, but tomorrow. Everyday is a new day, and a new chance to improve.

I'm going to be okay.